Confessions from a siined soul.

And he loves me so. Takes me where you never took me, although you tried to. His eyes they read so true. So different from the way it was with you...

I dont dwell on my past half as much as I use to, in fact a lot of my past is a blur. But certain songs still bring up certain people, certain days, certain feelings. And sometimes, its a refreshing blast of memories. Like on a cold November night like this one.

In every life there will be one great love and one unforgettable heart break.

November was never a good month for me, majority of my break ups happen in November. My "unforgettable heart break" happened in November. I can deny you all I want, but no one hurt me as much as you did. And I cant figure out why, besides that I was young and stupid. You were a pretty decent boyfriend, a push over but decent. But everyone needs to feel the pain you gave me, its a big part of who made me who I am today. And I happen to like who I am today.

Moving on... I'm getting married. Wow. Me. Getting married. Never would had thought. Sure we've been together for almost six years (wow, six years, really?) but I just never really saw us getting married. I'm a lot like Ben Affleck in "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days". I figure we're happy, why ruin it by getting married. And sure, I still think that. But a small itty bitty part of me is actually kinda excited. Shh, dont tell Martin I said that. I always thought that once you get married, or engaged, the past kinda just... disappears. You dont think of the past or what-could-had-been or why-did-that-end. Why I thought that is beyond me.

I guess I'm lucky. I'm lucky because my fiance is my best of all best friends. Literally. We talk about my exes, we talk about his exes, we try to figure out why our past relationships failed. We have real conversations about things like that. He knows how I feel about all of my exes, he knows the ones I wish I was still friends with or the ones hurt me. And he does what I always wished someone would do with that information. He uses to know who I am and how I am. Not against me, but as a better understanding of how I react to things. I'm lucky because in the last six years, he was able to figure who I had a crush on. At work, at school, to him it was so obvious. And he'd pick on me, not in a jealous boyfriend way but in a ooh-I'm-telling-him-you-like-him way. And sometimes between us, its just so easy to forget we're together. Because the majority of the time, we dont feel like that. We feel like two best friends hanging out. 

Words can not express how lucky and blessed and happy I am to have him. To have someone who's just like me. Who sacrifices just to see a smile on their face. To spoil me with hugs and kisses and my favorite food "just because". Who accepts every part of me, and who is completely in love with the tomboy side of me. Someone who'll watch me put on lipstick, wipe it off with his finger, kiss me and whisper "you dont need it". Someone who makes me feel so damn alive. He wont ask why I'm crying if I dont feel like telling him but he'll hug the hell out of me until I'm spent, tuck me in bed and kiss me on the forehead and tell me to sleep it off. 

I think back to exes and memories and the crazy fucked up crap you go through with them in high school and relationships that ended far too soon. And the boys I miss. And I look at him and I'm glad those relationship ended. I'm glad for all the fucked up crazy shit I went through. I'm glad I got kicked out school. I'm glad I had to repeat senior year. I'm so glad. I'm so glad to be here, with him. With this ring on my finger. With that ring on his. 

I love you. I love you a million times. In a million different lifetimes. I've always loved you. I will always love you. My dope friend. My best friend. My babemerding. A million thank yous. For just being you <3.

Yesterday me and the future sis in law woke up at 0645 and headed to the Ferry building to take the Ferry to SF. Man, its been years since I've taken the ferry or the Muni. We go to SF and since we got there 10 minutes early, I stopped by my favorite bakery Miette. Picked up an Opera cake and a Caramel Panna Cotta. Made our way to Muni and took it to Civic Center. I was afraid we'd get lost but we didnt, yay! Grabbed some Burger King for breakfast and went to Behind The Emerald Curtain.

Saturday was my grandpa's birthday. And in memory of him, I decided to go see Wicked. I had wanted to see this since I heard it was playing in our area and originally had wanted to see it for my birthday, but I ended up going to Disneyland instead and I thought they were going to end but they extended it so I decided to go for his birthday (and I found out they extended our showing again).

We sat in the balcony. Like literally, the very very VERY top row. I liked our seats, they were easy to find, we were on the end and you could see the whole stage from up there. But you could see peoples faces. I still really enjoyed it. In fact, I kinda wanna see it again =). I've been obsessed since I got home. Watching it on youtube, planning to buy the soundtrack lol. Oh! I got a flying monkey plushie, a hat and a witch hat keychain. I LOVE witch hats! I'm sad this is the only picture I took. I was all nice and dressed up and I didnt get a chance to take a picture with the poster. I'm really bummed out about that... extremely bummed out to be honest.

I had something else to update on, and I dont remember what it was. Hmm.

I'm going to be doing a mini jewelry sale soon, gonna be announcing some mark. store promo's, going to be adding more pieces to my crafts blog. Its just this wire wrapping that's frustrating me. Blah! I'll get it down someday.

I wanna go on a NYX haul but ugh, I dont need any more makeup! I need to get rid of makeup! Not buy more. I have a few China Glaze and a bunch of OPI nail polishes I dont want anymore, should I put them up for sale? Can you even ship nail polish?!

Days are passing too quickly, Martin's leaving sooner and sooner :(

I made a military-ish blog here. Its not gonna be detailed like another one that I have (thats friends only) because I dont wanna violate anything. I didnt want it to get mixed up with all my other stuff.

Oh! I missed ONE day of taking birth control and the next day I got my period. You know how usually you spot? Well, I didnt spot. I got my full blown period. It sucks!!! At least now I know what happens when I miss a day, right? AND I'm drinking Pepsi. Why do you always crave the things that make you cramp when you're on your period? It tastes so good but its so painful! Argh.

SPiNNiNG: With You Gone by Ryan Cabrera.

Ryan Cabrera reminds me falling asleep on the ferry on late Fall afternoons on the way home from a long day in culinary school. It reminds me of 4AM mornings with Starbucks and chocolate covered donut hole piles, getting dressed in the hallway in front of class room. Of catching the F from Powell to Embarcadero. Of my favorite part of the day -- browsing Miette while waiting for the ferry after school. Of walking up and down hills. Of "hello chef" from the same homeless person I saw on my way to the muni everyday.

Of walking to the bathroom in the middle of cakes class to see my boyfriend sleeping on the bench in the hallway. Stealing a kiss from him before running into the bathroom. And stealing another kiss before running back to class. Of coming home after a tiring day to my boyfriend waiting for me in the garage after walking to my house to get there when I do.

Of the many accomplishments I had in baking and never baking a day in my life. Of being stuck "in the zone" of something I was passionate about and loving every single tired waking moment of it. Of knife accidents, cuts, burns, exploding cakes, water that was way too hot.

Early mornings, late afternoons. Accomplishments. Knocking out on the ferry. Starbucks employee's who knew what I wanted and charged me before I could say a word. My choco covered donuts (which I never found after being in CCA -- 4 years ago, I still crave them!). Sugar, flour, lemon zest... I miss you. I miss that experience. I miss how happy I was (before it was ruined). I'm glad something as simple as a song can take me back to it. I'll never forget it.

Thank you for waking up early with me, for sitting outside my class room for 8 long hours for me, for all your support. I know you STILL think it was the most random choice of my life, but thank you, for believing in me then and now, even though I havent baked in years. One day, you still owe me a kitchenaid =).

I was trying to keep an eye out on my three years on Vox but I missed it. By ten days. Oh, I tried!

I dont blog as much, but yet when I do decide to blog... I have nothing to update on! I guess I blogged more when I was younger because I was always out, or you know, high school is a time when you just have plenty to say.

I'm currently struggling with WordPress, as always. Am I ever not struggling with WordPress? CSS makes my head explode. Whatever happened to good ol simple HTML? Haha. Obvious reasons go with that, I suppose! My artbeads.com package came in quick! Five days, or less. Extremely happy about that. Trying to get through The Time Travelers Wife, I have no idea what to read next! Working on projects are always fun! A bit bummed that ELF (eyeslipsface) made their own networking site after retweeting mine. Happy I found a 75% off ELF Studio code. My $66 order went down to $23 =D who can beat that, seriously! And counting down the days til Martin leaves for basic.

Speaking of, I should probably get back to work =).

Yesterday Martin left for MEPS, he said that the exams could take all day, so I'm waiting for his call. He texted me at 4:40AM-ish saying they were playing my favorite movie "Best Friends" where he was and from 5AM to 12PM I woke up every hour checking my phone to see if he texted me again, even though phones arent allowed at the exam. I'm curious, nervous and excited to know what job he picked and when he'll be leaving for basic. Though 30 hours away from each other really sucks and we're able to talk/text. How am I gonna go six weeks without hearing one word from him? How am I gonna go eight and a half weeks without seeing him? God! I sound like one of those super clingy dependent girlfriends who should really get an effen life. It's really grossing and disturbing me. I use to be so independent, but of course. That's gonna be left for another entry.

Dont you hate when you have this great, epic, perfect entry pieced together in your head and you go grab some lunch or take a quick shower and poof the epic great entry is... gone? I think sometimes I should jot down key points, topics, etc... but I mean would the entry still flow if I'm not in that mind set anymore?

Random fact: I had a "forever scab" growing up on my right leg. Well I got bored and picked it off a few days ago (for the first time in probably 10 years) and now its gone! Its not back yet and its kinda freaking me out =(.

I was suppose to hang out with my bestie yesterday but it didnt work out, is it bad that I was a little sad? Actually, I was really sad. It kinda reminded me of how alone I am without Martin and without Flix here any more, it makes me worry about my sanity when he leaves for basic. I'm sure I'll be fine, I mean, I dont have much of a choice... but it just sucks not having anyone to talk to or hang out with any more (again, another entry on another day). Am I really better off than all the popular kids who still have all their friends?

Martin mentioned leaving in January instead and I broke down and cried. He'll miss my birthday. I hate my birthday. The only reason why I celebrate it is because Martin forces me to. And I'll be turning 25 this year. I've been dreading turning 25. I'm suppose to have a degree by 25. I'm suppose to at least know where I'm going at 25. And I'm just disappointed in myself that I dont. I dont have anything. I have experience in a job that cant even land me a decent job at a bank but everyone else who doesnt have my experience get hired at banks all the time. I always joked with people saying if I'm not graduated by 25, I'm going to kill myself. It kinda wasnt a joke. I'm going be half way to 50. Its just a depressing age in general! And its not like I didnt try. I just suck when it comes to college. Seriously. Martin joining the AF makes me feel like I still have 4 years to fix it. Even though, I'll be 29 by then *sigh*. It just sucks that if hes not going to be here, I'm probably going to end up just sleeping the day away. I dont have anyone else to hang out with.

Speaking of, he has to pick 5 jobs and he picked his 3 computer jobs. And he told me he was considering taking mental health and I was like "that's what I would take if I was capable of joining the USAF" and he was like "I know, that's why I want to take it too. I want to know whats wrong with my baby too" that made me tear. He'd sit and read OCD self-help books with me everyday because I was too scared to go to therapy and he'd sit and read with me for hours trying to understand it too. Until I eventually ended up going to therapy and hes been to every single therapy appointment I've ever gone to. Every time its over hes there to give me a hug and ask me how it went. He also is considering taking something else, I dont remember the exact name but he mentioned that he'd be able to get a degree in hotel and restaurant management with it. Which was my first major. And he was like "I wanna learn how to cook and teach you too, I know you'd like that". And I was telling him not to pick just anything cause hes gonna be stuck with that job for 3 years, but he was telling me its things he'd like to get into. And it just made me cry. Does that make me sound lame? How did I end up so lucky?

I'm sorry this entry isnt too happy either. I think I'm just under the weather. I dont really know exactly why, I'm not too sad about him leaving soon. Unless its one of those subconscious things.

I had a whole list of things to do today.

I changed the theme for my domain. It's a pre-made layout but its fitting and its cute so it doesnt bother me too much that I havent put up my own layout yet. I'm still trying to figure out the coding for the one I want and when I do figure it out... it'll be up and running!

So of course, a bunch of updating was to be done today. Blogs, youtube, layouts, catching up on comments, posts, emails, etc... but instead... I ended up reading The Time Travelers Wife. In fact, I went back to the computer 4 times with the intention of getting things done only to click around aimlessly before sitting back on the floor and reading my book!

My mom knocked on my door a bit ago asking if I was okay, I thought that was a bit weird. A few pages later I went back to the PC and realized I was reading for TWO HOURS! And it was dark outside! What the hell? There was still light out when I left! Goodness, it didnt feel like two hours. I love and hate how fast time flies when I get sucked into a book. Then again time FLEW by when I read the Twilight Saga, I dont remember much from that week except the strongest urge to read the book, all the time. And I mean all the time. That book never left my sight! Thank goodness my obsession with this book isnt close to that, cause oh man, that whole Twilight phase was a little psycho, just... a little.

I just ate a Hello Panda and it didnt have any chocolate. Dont you hate that, it leaves you feeling incompletely and empty. Oh Hello Panda, why must you... why?!

Today I've been listening to Love Story by Taylor Swift and reading my book. I also joined this site. I realize that my list of books isnt as epic as other people. I havent read many classical books, or anything... but I'm working on it! After I get through this 530+ page novel. Sadly, this is probably the biggest book I've read. She sure did have a lot to say.... haha.

I'd be lying if I said I was thinking of more jewelry to make. Though I do intend to! I have everything I need to Audrey's necklace, except I left the most needed part in the car! Darn.

I love how one side of my room smells like oranges and lemongrass and the other side smells like pumpkin, cinnamon, spices and fall. I love my candles!

Fall is coming, I'm super excited.

I actually saw this on someone Flickr. And I thought it was a cool project, but knowing how impatient I am, I'm gonna turn it into a blog since I cant go out and take pictures right now.

- I'm terrified of the dark. The biggest reason why I hate being an insomniac is that I hate leaving my room because its dark.

- I get insane intrusive thoughts. Part of the reason why I let go of my previous religion was because I just couldnt deal with the intrusive thoughts of the devil and hell. So I decided to eliminate it from my life, I dont believe in hell anyway (I believe we're already there, to be honest) but I didnt want to carry that around with me, that I'm SUPPOSE to believe there's a heaven and hell. Sure enough those intrusive thoughts went away. Devil cant bug me any more.

- I'm in no way shape or form creative. Never have been, probably never will be. But it has never ever stopped me from trying. Most of the time I fail, but it just makes me get right back up and try again.

- I believe my life is headed to where I guide it. And right now, I plan on being happy. No one and nothing can stand in my way. So far, its going well =)

- Heartbreak is my most favorite emotion in the entire world. I dont see why people hate it, I think its great! Its painful, its intense, it makes you sit and think and wonder and you can do so much with it. Maybe its just because some of my best writing comes when I'm heartbroken. Probably why being in a long term relationship pisses me off, heartbreak isnt the same! Haha.

- I suck at being serious. I hate being put in serious situations. I crack jokes as much as I can, come on man, its just life. Laugh that shit off!

- Last year I completely changed my mind set. COMPLETELY. I was tired of OCD controlling my life. I was tired of feeling trapped and hopeless, and I guess I was much more tired than I thought and something just shut off. Thank God it did, my OCD hasnt been half as intense or bad as it use to be. Probably my most biggest achievement yet.

- I'm a book worm. I've always been a book worm. Back before I use to go to the mall to buy clothes or makeup I would go to buy books. I'm sad I dont read as much as I use to, but I'm trying to get back into it. I would rather read the book than watch the movie. Its better being in the characters head than just watching them on a screen.

- My lolo taught me how to play the piano when I was 5 or 6. Which lead to piano lessons, which lead to joining band, which probably lead to my obsession with music. He was also my inspiration to this never ending attempt at being creative. Hes been gone for over 10 years and yet, today he still inspires me. I miss you.

- I use to hate when people would tell me that I'm so much like my mom because I hated her. But now that I'm older, I love when people tell me I'm a lot like my mom. I wish I could be MORE like her, shes the strongest person I've ever known. She works hard everyday for long hours and never ever complains. She comes home and makes sure I'm okay, even if she had a hard day or week at work. Shes always there to give me a hugs and kisses no matter what time it is. I hope when I'm her age, I'm as strong and successful as her.

- I also wish I could be a lot more like my dad. Nothing ever worries him! I've never in my 24 years have seen him mad for more than 5 minutes. And its not even fury mad, its more like strongly irritated. I wish I could be as patient as him! I'm sooo impatient, I dont see how he does it! Hes also very caring and thoughtful and he puts others before himself. As long as the people he cares about is okay and happy, then he's happy too. I wish I could be less selfish and be more like him.

- I am thankful for every mistake I've made in the past because they ALL have taught me something and shaped me to be the more aware and happier person I am today.

- I deny this all the time... but honestly, San Francisco will always have a special place in my heart.

- I want to change the world. And if I cant, I want to do something to help someone else. I want to help someone out there who also suffers from OCD to know that its not the end of the world, and if you want it bad enough, you'll be okay. I want to play a part in finding a cure for cancer.

- Flixie played a huge part in my life. So the fuck what if hes a hamster, without him I probably would had never decided to go to therapy. Jay & Meez have also played a huge part in my life, coming home to them is something I look forward to everyday, animals are amazing. I wish everyone knew this.

- I have a fear of waterfalls. Yep. Waterfalls. And pet stores that have wall to wall aquariums. But I want to be a Marine Biologist. Yep.

- My first ever favorite game was Chrono Trigger. Martin had did an article in journalism the year we met and had everyone write down their 5 favorite video games. He looked at my list and goes "you would put DDR... hey! you played Chrono Trigger?!" happiest moment of my life? Would I be lame if I said yes? LOL.

- One of my favorite snacks ever is boiled peanuts.

- I cant live without my Linkin Park Hybrid Theory CD. Seriously.

- I use to be into high end makeup until I realized it wasnt as great as I thought it was. I'm utterly happy with ELF, NYX and MAC now. And I'm saving more money. Not to mention those brands do what all the higher end brands do anyway.

- I dont think I'll be addicted to makeup forever, and that kinda scares me. And it kinda scares me that it scares me.

- I love wearing cologne and Axe deodorant over wearing body spray/perfume and woman's deodorant. I ended up obsessed with Ralph Lauren Romance cologne because I kept wearing my cousin Elroy's when I was growing up and I would steal Martin's deodorant when we first started going out. Ever fight with your boyfriend over the deodorant? Probably one of my favorite moments ever.

- I hate school and I hate homework but I love learning about things. I love figuring out how things work. How to take things apart and put them back together. I especially like knowing the history of things and places.

- I get headaches and migraines FREQUENTLY. Thanks to stress, I soak stress up like a freakin sponge.

- Favorite job? Working at Six Flags. Martin had to force me to apply and I KNEW I'd hate it. But I actually really loved it.

- I'm constantly wishing it was 2002 again.

- I would rather be stuck in a room full of spiders than be stuck in labor. Yes, seriously. I'm pretty sure my fear of labor beats out my fear of spiders.

- Getting kicked out of High School was probably the BEST thing that ever happened to me. It was the reality slap I needed and the most amazing experience. I loved every single second of being at Peoples.

- I love change. As long as I'm the one calling the change. It scares me to pieces when things change and I cant control them. Growing up also scares the crap out of me.

- Falling in love with Martin was was the most scariest, confusing, thrilling, irritating, intense, heartbreaking, UNEXPECTED experience in my ENTIRE life. It wasnt until I fell in love with Martin that every single thing in my life before him started to make sense.